With all the talk over the past few months about the “nightmarish” and “terror-inducing” nature of a potential Trump presidency, I think a lot of people might be overlooking some very significant factors in assessing Trump’s candidacy — and, yes, even viability. I know, I know, this sounds dubious. What points could possibly be raised that haven’t already been noted? You may be shaking your head now, but please — do me a small favor and just consider a few of the arguments below before making a final decision on the idea of a future President Trump. I think even his most vocal opponent might concede that these points make a pretty compelling case for the awesomeness that could occur under a President Donald J. Trump.
1. “The Apprentice”: Bigger and Better Than Ever
Picture this: the camera zooms in on his face, clenched tensely in its characteristically powerful scowl. Slowly it pans out to the wider set, and it’s him — really him! — back in the boardroom again. Except this time, Donald is not in the big elevated chair glowering over the trembling contestants sitting across the massive polished oak table that could probably comfortably sit 50 people for dinner. No, this time he’s on the OTHER side of the table, still sitting in a huge elevated chair, but this time flanked not by his children and
sycophants lawyers, but rather a team of advisers and cabinet members. And as the camera pans out even more, we see that there is a large presidential seal behind him on the wall, with the words “PRESIDENT DONALD J. TRUMP” emblazoned above it in huge gold letters, and “THE APPRENTICE” emblazoned just above THAT in slightly larger gold letters. That’s right, ladies and gentlemen — “The Apprentice” is back (in prime time!) — except this time, it’s Donald HIMSELF who is the apprentice. And he’s taking on the presidency of the United States.
So just who is on the other side of that table, training him on the intricate details of life as the president, and taking him under his or her expert wing so that he can fully master the art of being the Leader of the Free World? …. Well….Nobody. That’s right. It’s a big empty chair. Because the Donald may be the star of The Apprentice: President Edition, but he’ll take no tutelage from anyone. Donald will be training himself as The Apprentice, as only he can do. It may lead the country into dire economic and political ruin, but ratings are sure to be through the roof.
2. Bye-bye ISIS
You may disagree with his approach, but there is no denying that Donald Trump is the only man in America — nay, the world — who can strike fear into the hearts of all terrorists at the mere mention of his name. Just elect him into office, America, and see the shackles of terrorism instantly vanish from our collective (figurative) limbs. As he so tastefully reminded us via Twitter in the immediate aftermath of the recent bombings in Pakistan, Did you read that, everyone? “I ALONE CAN SOLVE.” We have no other choice! ELECT THE TRUMP-LEADER. SAVE THE WORLD.
3. Social Media + Presidency = Pretty Tweet Deal
Speaking of Twitter, I think we can all agree that Donald Trump has basically revolutionized the forum (true to form, amirite?). We can only begin to imagine what electing him president might do for the Twitterverse. World leaders will no longer have to participate in boring diplomatic visits and meetings to address pressing international concerns. Now, with the efficiency and time-saving measures of social media, leaders around the world need only view a quick 140-character or less direct message from President Trump to determine a course of action. And in the interest of transparency, matters not classified as Top Secret would be addressed publicly through President Trump’s personal Twitter account. If he doesn’t like what you’re doing, Angela Merkel, get ready to hear about it from President Trump and his 8 million Twitter followers. Surely this can only lead to amazing things. Especially in the context of delicate international circumstances.
Look. You don’t have to like the guy. You don’t even have to vote for him. But if nothing else, you have to admit that the reasons above are pretty darn convincing propositions to consider. If you don’t want an awesome presidency, then by all means, vote for some other candidate. But if you’re interested in bringing the presidency back into alignment with reality (television), restoring our international standing, eliminating all the bad guys and FINALLY allowing corporate sponsors to get a piece of that presidential pie (starting with Twitter, obviously!), then it’s pretty clear where your vote should go.
Eventually, one way or another, he will grate on you! Embrace the grate!
Let’s do this, America!
*This title originally included the number 5 instead of 3, but I honestly couldn’t come up with two additional ideas of awesomeness. Even facetious ones. So I guess we’ll just leave it at 3.