GOP Debate Recap: Dicks and Polls

Is this title crass? No more so than the ACTUAL REPUBLICAN DEBATE last night, sadly.

As Donald Trump was talking about the substantial size of his penis, followed by the substantial size of his poll numbers, all I could think about was a Trump-remix of the classic Stepbrothers track, “Boats and Hos.”

dicksandpolls

You can pretend Trump’s face is in the place of Will Ferrell’s here. I’d put it in myself but I don’t have Photoshop.

 

Basically, I spent most of the debate with my mouth hanging open. I don’t even have the energy to write a full recap. Below is the order of events:

  1. Moderators ask candidates to tear into each other
  2. Candidates – minus Kasich – oblige
  3. Audience cheers, jeers and shouts as if they are ACTUALLY AT a cage fighting match
  4. The End

 

A few additional highlights in the midst of that process:

  • Donald Trump disavows the “Klu Klux Klan,” but firmly avows his preference for alliterative, as opposed to semi-alliterative, group names.
  • Trump apologizes for calling Rubio a “lightweight,” but is fully cool with taunting him as “Little Marco” all night long.
  • Trump made a dick joke. On a televised national presidential debate. In case that wasn’t clear.
  • Kasich said that people have told him he “seems to be the only adult on the stage” during these debates. These people are right.
  • Cruz had either a) leftover dinner, b) a tiny wad of toilet paper, or c) a tooth hanging out on his lip for a while. Until he casually just…ate it.
  • Trump still wants to kill the families of terrorists. Even if it’s illegal. Because finding legal loopholes is what he does best, damn it.
  • Megyn Kelly says “stand by” when really wants to tell candidates, “shut the f up.”
  • Rubio made a joke about yoga happening on the stage – which was funny, but perhaps even more so because it wouldn’t be that far outside the realm of possibility for this debate.
  • Everyone will support the eventual nominee. To their face, at least. And only until the brokered convention.