Introducing: My GOP Debate Recap!! Uh … Recap? … Recap?

Sorry everyone, it’s really noisy in here. Also I think Ben Carson fell asleep backstage. Do we even have Kasich? Do we even care? Anyway, let’s get started.

 

David Muir: Donald Trump, do you have the temperament of a leader?

Trump: I will make everything amazing.

Muir: Okay. Ted Cruz, do you stand by what you said about Trump not having the temperament of a leader?

Cruz: Voters will decide. Also, listen to my voice and all of these many, many words that I will say in a beautiful sequence designed to avoid your pointed questions.

Muir: So Dr. Carson, what’s up with the whole Iowa debacle?

Carson: I won’t savage the reputation of Ted Cruz, but I will say that his campaign staff royally screwed me over. Way uncool, people.

Cruz: Listen guys, I just want to put it out there that I fabricated a CNN report that said that Carson was dropping out of the campaign on the day of the Iowa caucuses, and I’m not really sorry I did that because I won. But I’m in public now, and need to appear contrite, so with that in mind – Ben Carson, will you accept this fake apology?

Carson: Well, I think anyone with eyes can see that you’re flat out lying here. So, no.

Christie: Yo Rubio, you suck!

Rubio: No, Barack Obama sucks. I will make America great!

Christie: Nice memorized speech, Rube. That won’t cut it in the White House.

Rubio: Barack Obama sucks. I will make America great!

Bush: Marco Rubio is good at giving speeches, but that’s about it.

Rubio: Barack Obama sucks. I will make America great!

Martha Raddatz: Well anyway guys, can we talk about some other stuff? Immigration?

Cruz: You may think I’m being heartless when it comes to immigration, but I’m just enforcing the law. If families are being torn apart, that’s not my problem.

Muir/Raddatz: Healthcare?

Cruz: You may think I’m being heartless when it comes to my health care plans for this country, but I’m chock full of policy ideas that are unworkable, impractical and/or already in place under Obamacare, which I will repeal immediately.

Trump: I really don’t want people dying in the street. As president, I will not allow people to die in the street! Especially if they are right in front of me, because what if they brush against my $6000 shoes?

Muir/Raddatz: What about eminent domain, Donald?

Trump: As president, I will take your land and you will like it!

Bush: You can’t just steal land from little old ladies, Donald! That’s like … stealing from little old ladies!

Trump: Shhh, Jeb. Let the adults speak.

Muir/Raddatz: Should we discuss getting rid of ISIS? Ted Cruz, are you really going to carpet bomb them still?

Cruz: Did I say I would carpet bomb ISIS? Well what you all need to bear in mind is that my version of “carpet bombing” isn’t the same as what everyone else means by “carpet bombing.” I actually mean targeted strikes.

Muir/Raddatz: Is that true?

Cruz: No, not really. You may think I’m being heartless when it comes to my plan to carpet bomb ISIS, but that’s only because you care about the lives of innocent civilians who might get in the way. I don’t.

Carson: I’m not here just to add beauty to the stage, guys. (Dramatically swishes his hair). I have many things to say on foreign policy, which I’ve very recently been briefed on. By EXPERTS. Which, I might add, none of you people are.

Muir/Raddatz: Uh huh. So what do you guys think of waterboarding as torture? Yea or nay?

Trump: Waterboarding as torture? You have got to be kidding me. Waterboarding is like a walk in the park to these terrorists. I’d bring back a hell of a lot worse than waterboarding in my administration. Have you seen Game of Thrones? I am the Ramsay effing Bolton of interrogations. Winter is COMING, bad guys.

Muir/Raddatz: Cool cool. So Marco Rubio, would you visit a mosque?

Rubio: (lengthy/questionably racist anti-Muslim statements)

Muir/Raddatz: Let’s turn to abortion.

Bush: Regardless of the moral questions surrounding abortion, can we all just agree that I’m in the sweet spot for getting the most votes based on my position?

Rubio: No.

Bush: Okay.

Muir/Raddatz: Closing statements, guys!

John Kasich: I have turned my state’s deficit into a surplus. I have added jobs. I have done great things and have a positive message. I have no chance at winning the nomination.

Ted Cruz: End bipartisan corruption! Elect me and you’ll never have a bipartisan solution ever again!

Donald Trump: Elect me and we will win, win, win. Don’t elect me and we will lose, lose, lose. Give me a piece of paper and I will draw, draw, draw.

 

 

****This debate has been edited and modified for length, content and pretty much everything else***