Republican Debate Recap

Last night marked the final Republican debate of the year. In a refreshing change of pace, the candidates came to the stage emitting a collective aura of leadership, capability and expertise … hahahaha. Sorry. But no. It was the usual parade of circus performers this time around, only this time Christie had returned to the main stage and Huckabee was still relegated to the losing group early debate.

This debate focused on foreign policy and national security, which meant that Trump and Carson probably had spent the last week asking aides to quiz them with flash cards of geographical locations in the Middle East.

A brief recap of key points:

  • Carson thinks that the way to pinpoint anti-American sentiment is to eradicate political correctness on a national scale. So — practical AND specific.
  • Chris Christie has done stuff. Big stuff. Stuff that Senators can only DREAM of.
  • Jeb! Bush is tired of Donald Trump’s shtick.
  • If Carly Fiorina doesn’t like a moderator’s question, she’ll simply answer whatever question she wanted to be asked. (Side note: Carly Fiorina also may be a robot.)
  • Trump would like good, smart people to figure out how to close the Internet in order to stop ISIS. If such people are indeed really good, and very smart, they will be able to work around any pesky issues that come up related to civil rights and international law.  In related news, Donald Trump plans to hire a team of magicians to serve in his administration.
  • Upon election, Ted Cruz will gain special presidential superpowers that will enable him to pinpoint every terrorist on the planet and then shoot them with lasers coming out of his eyes. He will avoid any and all civilian casualties in this process because his special eye lasers are super duper accurate. And awesome.
  • “You talkin to me?” — Jeb Bush, to Donald Trump
  • “You talkin to me?” — Donald Trump, to Jeb Bush
  • Would Ben Carson be able to command a bomb strike that has the potential to kill hoards of innocent children? Yes, and here’s why: as a pediatric neurosurgeon, those kids getting surgery didn’t always like him opening up their brains, but eventually they realized that he did it to SAVE them. Likewise, those children getting bombed may not be happy initially, but later, they’ll thank him. Perhaps when their tiny ghosts haunt his dreams.

Stay tuned for the next Democratic debate on Saturday, December 19. That’s right — ANOTHER Saturday night debate. Luckily, those of us with small children and no social life will have no issues whatsoever with this time slot. Until then!

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