RIGGED ELECTIONS EVERYWHERE

This election is rigged,” says Donald Trump.
He’s on to something,” say a bunch of white men (and women) who follow Donald Trump and love conspiracy theories.

Just how is this election is rigged? Though a wide web of conspirators, of course! This web is so wide, and so pervasive, that it manages to span all levels of government (local, state AND federal), parties and party operatives, voters, and, oh, also the media. But hang on, hang on, not all media — just the ‘lamestream‘┬ámedia, of course. Any other outlet, especially any reporting on this whole rigging conspiracy, isn’t privy to the key action of the intrigue. They can only glean tender juicy morsels of these seditious machinations — usually through reposting rumors and blog posts that use BIG CAPITAL LETTERS and lots of exclamation points (!!!!) to show how serious and mind-blowing they are.

This would normally be the point at which I’d laugh and be like “psyyyych!!!” and then you’d be like, “haha, good joke!” — except that people aren’t joking about this, and actual humans with flesh and (presumably) functional brains buy into this lunacy as plausible and even likely.

Meanwhile, let’s dig out a short refresher on the history of elections in this country, where elements actually WERE rigged against certain subsets of American voters and citizens, shall we? For instance…
– when black Americans weren’t able to vote until 1870
-when women weren’t able to vote until 1920
-when poll taxes and literacy tests were instituted to suppress (usually poor and minority) voters
-when voter intimidation at the polls once again aimed to suppress (usually minority) voters
-when political tactics to suppress or disenfranchise (usually minority) voters have occurred in nearly every election cycle, including the present one.

So to all the largely white, largely male citizens including Trump and his followers who are raging about nefarious schemes to produce a rigged election (and don’t get me started on non-existent ‘voter fraud’…) before it even begins? Let me put my response in terms you best understand:

!!!!!!!THIS IS A SHOCKING TURN OF EVENTS THAT EVERY TRUE AMERICAN CITIZEN MUST STAND AGAINST, BECAUSE RADICALS WITH QUESTIONABLE MOTIVES ARE TRYING TO TAKE OVER THE COUNTRY WITH DANGEROUS AND RIDICULOUS CLAIMS BASED ON LITERALLY NOTHING OF SUBSTANCE!!!!!!!!!! DON’T BUY THEIR LIES!!!!!!

Or in other words —

No.

You’re wrong.

And please go away.